One year with an ADHD diagnosis

I’ve always loved writing blogs, but I’ve never been great at posting regularly. When I’m not distracted by other things, I’m usually feeling guilty for wanting to ‘waste time’ typing out my thoughts and uploading them to the internet as if people actually read them. This was a feeling that plagued me for a long time, right up until recently when I finally started to actually give myself a bit of slack for having ADHD.

The past year has been a strange journey for me, once which I’m sure a lot of neurodiverse people diagnosed in their late 30s can relate to. Only through therapy, research, reading, and continually challenging myself have I even managed to let go of some of the guilt for not ‘keeping up’. I’m not sure what I want to say here and I’m certain I’ll ramble, but maybe there’s some value in sharing my experience so far. If nothing else I can use it to reflect on my progress next year.

When I started to suspect it was ADHD

I first started to suspect something back in 2019. Someone on a sketching panel mentioned that they struggle with certain things because ADHD and a lightbulb went off in my head. Not only did I relate to what they were saying, but hearing a woman sharing their experience suddenly shifted my perspective. I’d always thought of ADHD as being an excuse for naughty schoolboys, not something that made mundane things impossible. Once the seed was planted, the signs and symptoms gradually began to become more obvious in my own life.

I don’t recall many people talking much about ADHD at that time, which is probably why it was a stand out experience for me. Over the next few years I started reading more and more, particularly when the pandemic hit and so many people started talking about ADHD on social media.

In 2021 I talked to my GP about it and he made a request for me to be added to the waiting list for a diagnosis. I knew the wait was up to 6 years, but I figured knowing eventually would be better than not knowing at all.

The following year one of my friends went for a private diagnosis, so in September 2022 I decided to do the same. By October my diagnosis was confirmed and I learned that I have combined inattentive/hyperactive ADHD.

My ADHD diagnosis came with mixed emotions

The ADHD assessment process was nerve-racking, mostly because I started to doubt what I had suspected was true. The evidence was all there as I gathered old school reports and asked my family about my history, but somehow I started to convince myself that I was making it up. I was terrified that at the end of the diagnosis I was going to be told there was nothing wrong with me and that I was just a lazy disappointment instead.

When I got my result I felt a huge wave of relief, shortly followed by a huge wave of disappointment. I now knew why parts of my life had felt like an uphill struggle, but I was also aware that it was never going to change. It was like a seesaw between “It’s not my fault” and “It’s always going to be this difficult”.

I’ve since learned to be much kinder to myself, but it was a tough thing to learn.

During my assessment I was also made aware of things I never realised about myself, such as the fact that I never stop moving. I’ve since become acutely aware of my constant unconscious movement, whether I’m crossing and uncrossing my legs, clicking my fingers to remember what I was meant to be doing, or playing with whatever is in my pocket to stay focused on what someone is telling me.

The diagnosis was just the beginning

Once diagnosed, I had to go through a few health checks before I could be prescribed meds. Unfortunately my blood pressure was way too high for me to take stimulants, so I had to try to bring it down in order to safely take it. There are other medications that are effective that aren’t stimulants, but methylphenidate is the most common with the fewest weird side effects.

It took me 8 months to get my blood pressure down to normal levels. I was reluctant to go on blood pressure medication if I didn’t have to, so I did my best to cut down salt and exercise more. It’s probably a really positive thing for me since I was ignorant of my overall health status at that point.

I’m also grateful for the wait because it forced me to find other ways to deal with my ADHD. I learned a lot about things that can make symptoms worse, including poor nutrition and poor sleep. I tried therapy too, though my first therapist wasn’t a great fit for me so it didn’t help much. Thankfully my second therapist was a great fit, so by the time I was ready for meds I was also able to work through things I was judging myself for from my past.

Medication won’t ‘fix’ a person

This year I learned that ADHD medication is not a magic pill.

Meds make it easier to tackle the things I’m struggling with, but won’t magically make me do things I don’t want to. I completely agree with the idea that it’s like being given a step stool to reach something from a high shelf. You still need to choose to get on the stool and reach, but it’s much easier with the stool than without it.

My ADHD isn’t the cause of every negative in my life either, so some things will never be helped by meds. Through therapy I’ve learned that it’s unhealthy to think you need to be ‘fixed’ in the first place. For me, harsh judgements from others were echoing in my head, so learning to hush those and listen to myself was really important.

I still haven’t found a way to be creative in my free time, which is something I thought I’d be able to do now. I was excited to finally lift this weight off my shoulders and be a super creative artist with a thousand new and cool projects on the go. Unfortunately it seems that it’s not my lack of focus that was preventing me from making things for myself, so I’m going to have to spend some time reflecting on why that might be.

Truly accepting an ADHD diagnosis is difficult

Despite doing a lot of work on myself over the past year, I’m still finding it difficult to truly accept my diagnosis. I continue to be hard on myself, wondering why I haven’t been able to do some things I wanted to do, or kicking myself for dropping the ball so often.

I forget to be kinder to myself when I’m struggling, forcing myself to work harder when it’s hard and rushing toward burnout rather than giving myself some slack.

Over time I’m hoping that I can become comfortable with the disappointment of myself and others. I may never start or finish the thing, and that’s okay.